December 30, 2013


i was cleaning my room the other day and found this collage i made out of newspaper scraps and flower petals while i was staying in chico with my grandma in summer. i actually spent a lot of time collaging and doodling and writing the week that i was there, but i don't think i feel comfortable sharing any of the other stuff because it's a lot more personal--most of it had to do with working out my feelings about my grandpa's suicide.

i'm sorry for the lack of updates this month. i haven't been able to access some of my more recent scans because the charging cable for the laptop i share with my brother and sister broke and thus: computer = dead. we're supposed to get a new cable soon, so i'll have my photos from greece to share.

   i thought i'd maybe collect some thoughts as this year is coming to a swift close. it was such a strange one, so many ups and downs. i feel like i've come out without an identity. i have absolutely no idea who i am anymore, and am having a hard time distinguishing my emotions. i've always been so good at knowing exactly what i'm feeling in every sense, so i've been at a total loss. it's isn't about putting the puzzle together anymore, it's about finding all the missing pieces. i don't know how to express this complete void inside of my personal art, and for that reason have been making much less than i normally do. on top of that, i no longer have any sort of natural desire whatsoever to share the few personal things i have made recently, even with the people i'm close to.
   i deleted my facebook last week, because i feel like everyone hates me, and being on that website only made it worse. i hate every single part of myself, and everything reminds me of this. and it's confusing, because up until the end of autumn, i felt like i was reaching a breakthrough of some sort. i was coming out of the longest tunnel, i could almost touch the light at the end, and then something turned the sun off.
   i try to sit down and write letters to my penpals, and nothing comes out. i think about all the presents i want to make for them and things i've found to send, but i've yet to put any packages together. i feel so guilty for neglecting the people i care about.

i've been collecting all my goals for the new year, mainly geared toward when this storm passes, and am presenting them here to keep a written record for me to look back at:

  • get better at sending people things. making things for other people. i end up getting so much joy out of sending packages to penpals, but i hate rushing it when i only have a few spare hours. i think it would be a good idea to designate days for working on everything all at once.
  • form healthier eating and sleeping habits. i either overeat and oversleep, or starve myself of food and rest. it's very bad and i need to stop.
  • get back into redoing my website completely, and finally buy a url for it. 
  • save up money to travel more, and move out. i want to go to morocco, and greece again, and the rest of europe, and i want to move up north.
  • figure out what i want to do education-wise and look into universities. 
  • read more books, listen to more music, watch more movies. culture myself when i'm not in school.
  • make better art. much better art.
  • also, i would like to put together a book with family stories, family photos, poems, pictures, drawings and paintings, found photos, fictional stories about found photos, etc, etc. a sort of collection of all the things that interest me and bring me to my typewriter in the middle of the night.

   for those who haven't given up on reading this, i apologize for rambling on for so long. i had no intention of writing a novel when i started this post. i feel comfortable with the relatively small number of followers i have here, as if this is the only place i can really be my honest self without having to worry so much. i don't throw around the link to this blog much for that reason. i trust you people, whoever you are out there, taking the time to read these things. i hope you all have a very happy new year, and that 2014 is good to you.